even in frightened kitty mode, I own this.

So I pretty much consider myself a bad ass... you know, in the least conceited way possible, and I take great pride in my unwillingness to sort of float through life being guided by whatever crap-tastic circumstances I get smacked with. Of course, I sometimes find myself wrapped up in the chaos or trauma of the moment and jump into a self-loathing pool of emotional bile, but I hate that place, tire of it very quickly and don't tolerate it for long. It seems like I get bored with pretending to hate myself after a few days and take out the whip. Generally I guess I consider myself to be fairly active in my experience.

.passivity leaves a bitter aftertaste.

But then there are moments when I get all icky-noncommittal and, for unconscious reasons I'm sure, keep my mouth shut on issues that I truly feel very strongly about. WHY, sara? Why do you do this? It's total BS and I know it. What the hell is the point of feigned docility? I tell myself it is because I am learning to be patient (rolls eyes), which I hear is a virtuous endeavor, but I know that's not it; I hate patience.

I have found that in situations of uncertainty and occasions wherein there is a very real chance of failure I just shut down and leave it up to...who? whatever god happens to be wafting past my window? Time?

Thing is, that sense of doubt only crops up when the issue is important enough to matter. SO I AM ONLY CHECKING OUT ON THE IMPORTANT STUFF?!

?backwards?

AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

.it's fine.